Happily Ever After

As a child growing up, I loved having stories read to me.  Almost every story I heard ended with: "....And they all lived Happily Ever After."  Cinderella and her Prince, Snow White and her Prince, Beauty and the Beast, Little Red Riding Hood after she escaped the Big Bad Wolf.  Nobody knows what became of them, except that .....you get the idea.   I always wondered what living Happily Ever After was like.  It sounded like this faraway place in never never land, where the concept of school homework didn't exist, where I could have as much chocolate and ice cream as I wanted, where I could have that pet dog my parents refused to get for me and where I would never again be tortured by my two brothers!

As I grew older, my perspective changed a little, but not very much.  Homework was replaced by other responsibilities that I couldn't get away from.  I could have as much chocolate and ice cream as I wanted to, but there were consequences.  My brothers grew up too and embraced the fact that they had only one sister (or so I hope) and became much nicer to me.  And my parents finally got me the dog that I so badly wanted.  But when I stopped to think, how much happier was I?  My heart had been broken, I was struggling with a weight problem, I had trouble making long-lasting or meaningful friendships.  The older I became, it seemed like my list of life's challenges just kept growing.  A series of circumstances through my twenties only compounded the situation, leaving me feeling so overwhelmed by negativity.  I began to believe that I didn't deserve the happiness I was so desperately seeking, which is why it seemed to elude me.  I went through the motions of life pretending that everything was fine, while deep inside the silent despair was building up and swallowing me completely.  I gave in to the feeling of helpless hopelessness.   

To keep myself from falling into full-blown depression, I began to play the "If Only" game.  If only I could live on my own and be responsible only for myself, I would be happy. I would then be accountable only to myself.  If only I had a decent job that brought me enough income to take care of myself, I would be happy.  If only I could get myself a new car, great outfits, a designer handbag.  I was hardly conscious of the fact that my pursuit of happiness was slowly developing into a list of material trimmings to impress everybody around me.  Regardless, I began to accomplish most of my If Onlys.  I was able to live on my own.  I got a great job, which bought me all those things I thought would make me happy.  The new car, the great outfits, the designer handbags.  The happiness, however, was a different story.  I enjoyed a brief and temporary feeling of contentment, but then it went away.  I wasn't sure why.  

Then one day, quite suddenly, I was laid off from my job.  Everything that I had built up was almost gone.  I had to start from scratch.  For two years I struggled to build a small business and get it off the ground.  A bad economy prevented this from being as successful as I hoped it would.  I realized I would need to use my small business as a second income and find a steady job.  This meant having to return to the company that laid me off in the first place, to a job which paid much less.  I slowly began to rebuild my professional life.  Through it all, I continued to believe that everything bad was happening to me because I deserved it.  I spent the next four years in deep resentment.  I resented the fact my small business didn't take off.  I resented the fact that I had to swallow my pride and return to the company that laid me off, because no other company would hire me.  I resented how much less money I was making and how I couldn't afford to live the lifestyle I used to before.  I was mentally free-falling into a vortex created from despair, anger, resentment and ever negative emotion you can think of.

It's interesting how life can come at you and give you that proverbial kick-in-the-rear that you really need in order to change your outlook.  Sometimes it comes in a way, shape or form that you would least expect.  I went through a situation that shook me to the core and forced me into a journey of introspection, a place I hate to go.  I began to realize how deep into my mire of negativity I had allowed myself to sink, so deep that it felt I couldn't pull my leg out of it, much less my entire being.  I realized how much I had in my life that I should have been grateful for.  I had my health, my well-being.  There were so many people out there who didn't have a job.  I did.  I had people around me who were so supportive of my business.  I had other people who wanted only the best for me.  From this realization came my blog, An Attitude of Gratitude. The blog was very short and to the point, but I didn't want to talk much about how I was feeling at the time.  The main purpose of the blog was to verbalize a commitment I had made to myself, so I could be accountable for it.  

Last year during the holidays, one of my uncles said a prayer, during which he quoted a song I had learned as a child.  "Count your blessings, name them one by one; And it will surprise you what the Lord has done."  I began to acknowledge out loud every blessing that had been bestowed upon me.  Sure enough, it was a surprise.  I had so much to be thankful for.  I made sure to be grateful for everything.  Even on the worst days, if I looked hard enough, I could find something to be thankful for.   It did surprise me what the Lord had done, but it also surprised me that I began to feel so much more positive.  I was even beginning to feel - dare I say it - happier.  I literally began to feel like I was slowly freeing myself from some invisible shackle that was preventing me from feeling good about my life and myself.  The biggest surprise of all was how my positive attitude was bringing changes to my life.  I have had a very good year with my business.  I am being challenged at my job, but in a good way, which is helping my professional growth.  I am learning to be content with much less.  I am learning that when I set small but significant financial goals for myself and then accomplishing them, the dividends are more than just monetary.  I am learning that happiness is all around me, I just have to open my eyes to it.  The strangest thing is that I am finding it easier to be grateful even for the less than positive situations which, while significantly less, are still prevalent in my life.  I believe that there is a lesson to be learned, no matter what the circumstance.  People around me are telling me how much happier I seem to be.  That must mean I must be doing something right, although I'm doing this for me.  That said,  I don't mean to make it sound much easier than it really is.  However, from trying my best to adopt this Attitude of Gratitude, every situation brings me to a figurative fork in the road.  It causes me to stop and think, then make a conscious decision on which path to take based on how I choose to respond.  I would like to think that I always make the right decision, but that is not true.  I am making the effort though, and am realizing the payoff is much better when I decide to treat every moment as one I can learn from.  

It may not have been a light bulb moment that brought me here, but rather a deliberate consciousness.  It is not a destination, it's a journey.  But I think I have found my Happily Ever After.