Forever Cringing

'Tis The Season,  Almost.  You can feel it in the air.  The decorations are up everywhere, a sign that the holidays are near.  A little too early for my liking, but there's no denying it.  Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hannukah or Kwaanza, or all three (Christakwaanzakah) or you celebrate Festivus for the rest'ov'us, it's time.  Time for sales that begin at midnight on Thanksgiving, time to spend more than one can afford, time to watch some commercials on television that usher in the holidays. 

There are the Target commercials featuring Maria Bamford.  She's a great comedian, but gosh do I hate those commercials!  I'm glad I have to see them only between October and Christmas.  There are commercials for cars with a big red bow, there are commercials for jewelry, there are commercials for a Hallmark ornament that counts down the days, hours, minutes and seconds to Christmas. 

Then there are commercials for tacky, tacky knick-knacks that make you so glad that the holidays come only once a year.  For example, The Chia Head.  Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia!  As if they didn't extend that stupid concept far enough the first time, they came up with the President Chia Heads a couple of years ago.  What a way to disrespect Abraham Lincoln and Barack Obama.  I am thankful too that I didn't see commercials for Snuggies all year round, but they are back.  Snuggies, the blanket with sleeves, now available in your school colors!

Celebrity stylist Carson Kressley, referring to Snuggies, asked the question, "What fresh new hell is this?" 

Well dear reader, welcome to a fresher, newer hell.  It's called "Forever Lazy".  Yes, that's what I said, Forever Lazy. 

Apparently the Forever Lazy has been around since last year, but I wasn't aware.  I first heard of Forever Lazy when I woke up one night last week and couldn't go back to sleep.  I turned on the TV, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but a commercial for, you guessed it,  Forever Lazy.  As I watched the commercial in stunned disbelief, the only thought going through my mind was, "Are you kidding me?"  The commercial tells us that if we need to stay warm, we need Forever Lazy.  Forever Lazy can best be described as a hooded fleece jumpsuit for adults, with the feet cut off.  Their website calls them The One Piece Lie Around, Lounge Around, Full Body Lazy Wear.  They come in three stylish colors - Hanky Pinky Fuschia, Asleep On The Job Gray and Workday Blues.  The commercial suggests that all you need to do is get into a Forever Lazy, zip it up and you're all set.  Since your hands and feet are free, you can lounge around and read a book, knit, play a guitar or spend time with your pet.  I don't see how a Forever Lazy enhances any of these activities.  The commercial goes on to say that you can raid the refrigerator, study for a test or play video games in it.  You can also wear it to a tailgate party, outdoors, if you dare to be caught wearing it in public.  If you feel the need to go to the bathroom, the Forever Lazy is fitted with a zipper that runs down the front and what I refer to as a butt-trapdoor, just like they have in a baby's onesie.  But wait, there's more.  If I call now, I get two for the price of one, with a pair of fleece socks thrown in.  If you haven't seen or heard of this commercial, you're in for a treat.  I have posted a video of this commercial for your viewing pleasure.  Don't miss the very end where it talks about two for the price of one.  Enjoy, but please come back and read the rest of what I have to say!

After watching the commercial, I began to think of the many reasons why I wouldn't exactly jump up and want to call or order this product online, not even if a gun were held to my head.  First of all, the name Forever Lazy.  Which brainiac came up with the name, and what were they smoking when they did?  I wouldn't want to order a product that promotes infinite sloth as a virtue.  Then there's the pattern, or lack thereof.  Am I really ever cold enough to be caught in one of these?  Given that I am not exactly skinny, I would look like a huge, pink (excuse me, Hanky Pinky Fuschia) potato.  Thirdly, that whole idea of unzipping the front or releasing the butt trapdoor to go.  Really?  If I were a guy, the unzipping just might work.  But I'm a woman.  Even if I were not wearing anything under my Forever Lazy, it is virtually impossible to use the bathroom without having to disrobe completely.  It just doesn't work.  Think about it.  And if you're a guy, think about going #2 while wearing a jumpsuit.  Who were they trying to kid with,"Has Zippered Hatches in Front and Back, for Great Escapes When Duty Calls"?  The way I see it, you'll end up with "duty" all over yourself.

I really don't know who the target audience for this commercial is.  I really wonder who in their right mind would go out and buy one of these, even at $30 for two plus a pair of socks.  If you do, please help me understand this mystery.  The saddest question to ask ourselves is this - do we want to be remembered as a generation that made the Chia Head, Snuggies and Forever Lazy?  In my mind's eye, I can just see into the future, about twenty or thirty years from now.  A kid will dig up a Chia Head in their backyard.  Another will find a Snuggie in a box somewhere in an attic.  Still another kid will find a Forever Lazy.  All three of them will be laughing their heads off at us.

PS:  I am one blog post away from my 50th.  To commemorate this occasion, I will be giving away a box of my hand-crafted Belgian Chocolates to one of my readers.  To enter, please send an e-mail to susannapowell@gmail.com.  If the winner is from outside the USA, I will need to pick a different prize, one that travels better.   As always, thank you for reading.  Without your encouragement, I would have stopped writing a long time ago.  God Bless!